18 April 2016

Finding Yourself

This is a much more personal post than I am used to writing on my blog but it is an issue that I have been dealing with for a while now and I think it is time my readers get to know me a bit better. I hope you stick around and read this and join in the discussion I am hoping to create.

I think part of growing up is about finding who you are. There are so many sides to your identity, obviously the big ones like your sexuality and your gender - two things I am lucky enough to be confident in - but then there are other important things like your own style, tastes and originality. These are the things I have been struggling with a bit more lately.

When I was about 14 I was pretty confident in who I was. I was a massive emo, which is totally embarrassing now but in a way I also miss being so sure of myself. People definitely made fun of me (especially some horrible boys in my year 10 maths class who thought their music taste was superior to anyone else's) but I didn't really care because I loved the music I listened to and the clothes I wore. However even then I remember aspiring to be more goth/scene (cringing at that right now) so maybe part of me has always felt not quite good enough, or maybe that's just a normal teenage notion.

On my first day of sixth form college I had bright pink hair, wore a slipknot t-shirt and had leggings with Frankenstein on them. My bag was glow in the dark and had zombies all over it. Then something in me changed. I can't really remember why or when it happened but suddenly I found myself rejecting all the stuff I loved just a year ago. I put it down to growing up, it was just a phase, but as soon as I did that it was like I lost myself for a while.

Me back in the day. Don't laugh!...Okay you can laugh a bit.
Now I'm not saying I want to go back to my Black Veil Brides days or be a "Sc3n3 Qu33n" anymore - God no - but I have realised lately that my style and tastes have been a blank canvas for the past two years. I pretty much stopped listening to music apart from the few same songs I liked from 2013 or a few chart songs and so I stopped going to gigs too, which is something I lived for when I was younger. I became quite disconnected from the music scene and it really got me down. I know it's not the biggest problem to have but it's still something that bothers me quite a lot. Not knowing who you are, whether that's in terms of sexuality, gender, or just your individual style, is an awful awful feeling but I think it's something more people deal with then we realise. Self expression is something we all crave and it's really hard when you don't know how to do it or if you are really doing it authentically.

One thing that made me realise I wasn't being completely true to myself was actually my blog! Lately I have been looking at many other blogs and aspiring to be like them. Whilst I think it's important to always try and improve your work I have realised that it is more important to be yourself and not try and conform to what everyone else is doing. Whilst I am still going to keep up with my blog and hopefully express myself more on it, I have also started a Youtube channel because I think it is easier to be myself through that. If you enjoy my blog then I hope you will like my videos too! You can find my channel here.

Recently I have been starting to find myself again, I have found some music that I genuinely like (The Last Shadow Puppets and Wolf Alice mainly at the moment) and I have started going to gigs again (3 in the past month!) I think something I have accepted is that I'm not the same person I was 5 years ago but that's ok! If anything I think I am a better person now, I am more open minded and accepting of things different to what's in my comfort zone. (I also have much better eyebrows) I am still struggling with my style. Half of me wants to dress 70s boho the half wants to be grungy af but in reality I'm somewhere in the middle or not there at all, but I will find it.

If you have made it all the way to the end of my ramblings then well done! Give yourself a cookie, but also thank you for listening to me. I would really like to know if anyone else is/has dealt with these problems and how you overcame it or how you are dealing with finding who you are, so please leave me a comment below.

Shirt: H&M
Top: New Look
Skirt: Bershka
Lips: NYX Butter Gloss

See you soon,
Beth x

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